Your potty-training toddler is thrilled that Mommy is also wearing Pull-Ups.
Your kids get used to frequent bathroom stops on every outing because Mommy has to change the aforementioned pull-up AGAIN.
Every person you know is pregnant. And happy. Darnit.
You get tired of hearing, “You have a sub-what…?”
Every person (especially mother-in-laws & complete strangers) have an explanation as to what you did to cause the sub-whatchamacallit.
You look back on your period with fond memories.
You hear a girlfriend complain about her 3-day long “cycle” & you want to slap her because you have been bleeding like a stuck pig for 2 months.
You sneak into your bedwetting child’s stash of plastic sheets & cover your side of the bed with those, a beach towel & a puppy pad……and still manage to wake up with blood everywhere.
You consider investing in red-polka dot carpet to compensate for the trail from your bed to the bathroom.
Your husband is no longer grossed-out at mounds of bloody pads. He actually will now throw them away & even go to the store to pick up more pads without batting an eye.
After-birth seems like it will be welcome relief.
You and your baby make the same sound when walking…crinkle, crinkle…..
You no longer care when people in public quietly try to tell you that you have a “stain” on the back of your pants.
Your new best friends are Oxyclean & hot water.
Your fear going to the bathroom more than your potty-training child, (we all have our own version of the potty monster!!)
The description “wine-colored” will never, ever make you think of wine again.
When you pee and it is just yellow, you find yourself end-zone dancing around your bathroom. Until that makes you bleed. Oh, crap. J
You think really, really hard about ordering a pizza. After all, you may have to get up to answer the door & this may cause the aforementioned pee to turn red, which will then cause you to spend the rest of your day angry at yourself & curled up on the couch watching Golden Girl reruns & eating brownies & crying until hubby gets home to relieve you of all mothering/wifely/life duties.
Your husband no longer calls from aisle 5 to ask “which pads?”…..He knows, “the biggest, biggest ones you can find, baby!!!”
And finally:
You/Your spouse’s Facebook account are ablaze with comments/posting regarding what & how much is coming out of your vagina. Your husband’s co-workers, friends & even that guy you used to know who lived next door to your sister’s best friend in high school all follow them with great interest & comment.
We all know SCHs are NO FUN & this is in no way to minimize the pain we all are/have gone through, but sometimes all you can do is laugh :)
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